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(Poem) Mutiara Kata

I Never Wanted (To Lose Myself)

The doubts I have now proving to be difficult, like an insult at my vanity.

I never cared before,
I closed the door of action
towards affection with the key
lost inside me.

Embedded with the a look of
security, a smile to hide the frown.

I've shut my eyes down
on troubles of my being
which there is no explanation.

Memories that keep me alone inside
that forms a separate hidden light
born out of regression
for no passion.

No exceptions and I can't seem to bear
this mask that I wear
that is my symbolic face.

With desire for aversion
speaks loathsome tone
I hide my inner sensation
for when I'm alone.

This goofy attitude that is me
wreaks of uncertainty
as I plea for release
from this shadowy essence.

Pride leaves me weak
that which I seek
another hope to get out of being lost and so meek.

With a voice that wishes to be heard
but it seems so absurd
that what I have to say will have no affect anyway.

Under my skin the scars of confusion
run deep and tear away what I am today.
As this flame dwells in my heart
like a virus it grows more overwhelming.

My soul left feeling unattached
I wish to relapse until
it all comes back.

I'm stuck wanting
to relieve myself of this haunting.

Purpose is insignificant.
Life is always so intricate.

People don't understand
that not everyone has a plan
and take away anything at hand.

Some wish to give and offer
but so it seems shouldn't have bothered.

All I crave to heal this wound
is sitting with you underneath the full moon.

Let my lost flower bloom
at my front door
so I shall no longer mourn
the torn up picture of my empty inner core.

Christopher Mendoza